Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front
pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a
fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
University of Alabama: A Designer Outfit, high heels, Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a
fifth of crown. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High
school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
University of Alabama: Every year or so we add 20,000 seats.
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
University of Alabama: Expect their daughters to understand every aspect of the game and marry and give birth to a football player
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
University of Alabama: Statues of National Championship Coaches.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
University of Alabama: Prettier than Miss America and can drink a fifth of Jack.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning
University of Alabama: Bear Bryant and Maybe Gene Stallings.
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution and put name on a waiting list for tickets.
University of Alabama: 5 years before the game you buy a section of the stadium that hasn't been built yet and put name on a waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the
few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
University of Alabama: Don't play on Thursday but if they did Teachers would cancel Friday classes because they don't want the few hung over students that might actually make it to class see them hung over.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
University of Alabama: RVs are permanently parked and the real faithful have Condos overlooking the stadium. To reserve their RV space they have to go through the same process they did for tickets and give up their first born male child. He will be returned if he can't play football.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never Broadcast from their campus.
University of Alabama: Every student wakes up, has Jack or Crown for breakfast, and strolls over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to tell the ESPN idiots that they are screwed up and to Boo Lee Corso every time he opens his mouth.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate
down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band,... who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
University of Alabama: Satellite connected 8 foot big screen TVs are set up beside the 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker and bottomless coolers.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the state's third largest city.
University of Alabama: You can hear it from miles away. On game day it is the states most united city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
University of Alabama: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the team's fabulous history on it in 3D, filled with ice. Who would mess up Jack or Crown with soda?
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part
harmony.
University of Alabama: 92,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony with the million dollar band.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, Gunpowder (from the cannon in the end zone), with a touch of bourbon.
University of Alabama: Crown and Jack.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
University of Alabama: "Help that poor sumbitch back up and break his other leg".
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
University of Alabama: "Help that poor sumbitch back up and break his other leg".
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
University of Alabama: Former University of Alabama quarterback who only drinks when he is awake.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.
University of Alabama: Another pig goes on the smoker, standby keg is tapped, cases of Jack and Crown are opened and cigars lit up. Planning continues for next year's games.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football except University of Alabama Football!
